


Doggone Eddie

by Julie_Horwitz



Category: Frasier (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-24
Updated: 2014-03-24
Packaged: 2018-01-16 20:02:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1359997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julie_Horwitz/pseuds/Julie_Horwitz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frasier gives bad advice that has bad consequences for poor Eddie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doggone Eddie

** Disclaimer:  **

This is a work of fanfiction. The characters and situations are from the television show "Frasier", which is copyrighted to both Grub Street Productions and Paramount Television. The storyline and all additional characters are products of my own imagination and belong to me.   
All comments and questions are welcome and may be sent to me at: jhorwitz@hotmail.com  
Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy the story. 

_**Doggone Eddie** _

by 

Julie Horwitz 

**_Man's Best Friend_ **

"How much time do we have left, Roz?" Dr. Frasier Crane asked his producer.

"You can take one more call," Roz Doyle told the radio psychiatrist. "Brian is on line three with a very interesting dilemma."

"Thank you, Roz," Frasier said as he patched the caller in. "Hello, Brian. I'm listening."

"Hi, Dr. Crane," came the voice over the phone. "I desperately need your help. You see I'm in this great relationship right now with the perfect woman."

"Sounds more like I can use your help, Brian," Frasier joked. 

"I wasn't finished," Brian sternly said.

Frasier was taken aback. "I am very sorry. Please, continue."

Roz rolled her eyes at him thorough the glass. 

"As I was trying to say, my girlfriend has a dog that she is devoted to." He paused a moment as if daring Frasier to interrupt him again.

"Yes, go on," Frasier prompted him to continue.

"Well, Tammy is very sick and it doesn't look like she has much longer to live."

"I'm dreadfully sorry to hear that," Frasier told him. "And, am I correct in assuming that your problem is what to do with her dog after she's, ahem, gone?"

"What are you talking about? Tammy _is_ the dog!" Brian said impatiently. "You don't seem to live up to your own catch phrase very well, Doc."

Frasier pushed the mute button and commented to Roz, "If he'd get to the point already, then maybe I would pay better attention!" He released the button. "Again, my apologies," he spoke in a calmer voice.

"Yeah, yeah," Brian said. "Anyway, Pam, my _girlfriend_ , won't leave Tammy the _dog's_ side for more than a couple of minutes. She does everything for this dog. She practically hand feeds it! And, I'm supposed to _understand_ why she won't go out with me until the Tammy situation is resolved. She is devoted to this mutt. Had her a long time."

There was silence. 

"Are you finished?" Frasier ventured.

"Yeah," Brian said matter-of-factly. "What is your expert opinion? What should I do?"

Frasier cleared his throat. "First let me ask you, is Tammy in any pain?"

"How should I know? She's not my dog."

"Let me try again. Have you and Pam discussed your feelings of loneliness since the dog has fallen ill?"

"Well, no," Brian admitted.

"I am going to make a suggestion. You and Pam need to sit down and have a heart to heart about what is going on," Frasier advised. "If the dog is suffering, then Pam is just prolonging her misery.

"You see, I have a dog at home as well and I know how it is when they are sick."

"Oh, god," Roz muttered under her breath while covering the microphone. "Here we go again."

"If poor little Eddie was suffering, I would want to do what's best for him. If that meant letting him go, then so be it. Do you understand what I am saying, Brian?"

"Yes, I do, Dr. Crane. Thank you very much. I know what I need to do now."

"I'm very pleased to hear that. That goes for all of Seattle's animal lovers as well. If your little friend is ill, then you must do what is best for him. Whether or not it be medical treatment or euthanasia. And that is all for today's show. Stayed tuned for the news and weather. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, saying good day Seattle and good mental health."

"And we're done," Roz said over the mic.

As Frasier gathered his things, Roz left her booth. "I didn't realize you were such an animal lover, Frasier," she said. "The way you made it sound like Eddie was your dog."

"I did no such thing," he protested. "I merely said that Eddie lives in my home and that I wouldn't want him to suffer. I never implied that I owned the scruffy mongrel."

"Whatever you say, Frasier," Roz shrugged. "You're the expert on how people think. Not me. I'm just an ignorant layperson."

"Are you trying to say that I lied to that poor man? I'm appalled that you could think that! Roz, you know how I feel about dishonesty," Frasier told her.

"Exactly my point. The way you talked about Eddie made it sound like he was your dog."

"All I was trying to do was show Brian how close people are to their pets," he explained. "I think it was unnecessary to make the distinction of who actually owns Eddie. He lives in my home after all and I would want what's best for him despite his undisciplined ways."

"Are you saying that you actually _like_ Eddie?" Roz said incredulously.

"He makes Dad happy," he said. "As long as he does not touch my antique collection, I can tolerate his presence in my home. Nothing more."

"Right," Roz replied, not quite believing him. "Well, I'll see you later. I've gotta run and pick up Alice from school. Her normal sitter is sick and I couldn't find a replacement. So, I get to be a full-time mom for the next week or so."

"How many dates did you have to cancel?" Frasier inquired.

"Not as many as you'd think. Things have been pretty slow for me lately," Roz told him.

"Welcome to the club," Frasier responded.

**_You Made Your Bed, Now Lie In It_ **

Frasier leaned back on the couch with a book in his hands. It was a collection of essays by some of the most brilliant psychiatrists in history. He had been looking forward to reading it for quite some time. 

He had just opened the book when his father, Martin Crane, stepped out of his bedroom and announced, "Well, I'm off to meet Duke at McGinty's."

"All right, Dad. I'll see you later," Frasier said.

Martin made his way over to the coat rack and got his jacket. "Just remember, Daphne is out with Niles, so you're in charge of taking Eddie for a walk if he needs one."

"Yes, Dad," Frasier answered absently. He knew what was coming and preferred not to hear it for the thousandth time. 

"After all, he's _your_ dog and you wouldn't want to give your loyal listeners the impression that you _lied_ to them," Martin said. 

"All right, Dad," he told him. "And if it will make you happy, I'll take him to the dog park too."

"That's my boy," Martin replied. "You hear that, Eddie? Frasier's going to take you to the park!"

The little Jack Russell terrier came bounding out from wherever he had been and went straight over to Frasier.

"Look how excited he is already," Martin beamed. 

Frasier looked down to see Eddie staring up at him intently.

"Oh, yes. I can see the joy just pouring off of him," Frasier told him father.

"Great!" Martin exclaimed happily. "See you later, Fras." 

Martin left the apartment as quickly as his cane-aided locomotion would allow him.

Frasier returned his attention to Eddie. "Yes, it's just you and me now."

Eddie continued to stare silently at him.

((((()))))) 

About an hour later, Frasier was in the middle of the most riveting essay when he felt a thump on the couch. He turned to see Eddie sitting next to him with his leash in his mouth, staring at him in the usual fashion.

"Oh, not now," Frasier said, slightly annoyed. "Can't you hold it in a while longer?"

Eddie said nothing, still staring.

"Let me finish this page," Frasier told the dog. "It will only take me a minute." He turned his attention back to the book.

Eddie started to whine.

Frasier put down his book. "All right. All right. I'll take you on your walk. Give me that." He grabbed the leash out of Eddie's mouth and distastefully attached the saliva-covered item to his collar.

Eddie happily jumped off the couch and waited for Frasier to follow.

Groaning, Frasier stood up and followed the pampered canine.

((((()))))) 

The walk had lasted almost ten minutes and Eddie had yet to do his business. Frasier was growing more and more annoyed with this chore.

As Eddie was sniffing around what had to be, in Frasier's opinion, the billionth tree, he asked the dog, "What could you possibly be looking for? It's a tree, for goodness' sake! All tree's are basically the same!"

Eddie stopped his investigation to look at Frasier. He cocked his eye ridge as if to say "What do you know about trees?"

"Oh, all right," Frasier grumbled. "But hurry up and pick one. I'd like to at least get home before dark."

Eddie was apparently satisfied that he had annoyed Frasier enough, because he turned his back to the tree and lifted his leg.

"See, now that wasn't so terrible, was it?" Frasier commented.

Eddie made no response and proceeded to "water" the tree.

After he had finished, Frasier gave the leash a gentle tug. "Let's go home now, shall we?" 

Eddie obediently began to trot along with him.

They had taken no more than three steps away from the tree when a blurred figure raced up, grabbed Eddie by the collar, handed the stunned Frasier a note, and raced away.

Frasier, shocked by the strange turn of events, could only stammer, "Hey, that's my dog!"

**_In the Doghouse_**

"We came as fast as we could," Niles said by way of greeting as he and Daphne arrived at Frasier's apartment. "Who on earth would want to kidnap Eddie? I didn't even know Dad had any enemies."

"He doesn't," Frasier told them, rising from his seat on the couch. "It was meant to hurt me."

"Well, that doesn't make any sense," Niles said. "You don't even like him!"

"It has to be because of your answer to that caller last week," Daphne decided, ignoring Niles' last comment. "You know, the one where you said Eddie was your dog."

"As I keep trying to tell everyone, I never said he was my dog," Frasier pointed out. "I merely said he lived in my apartment, nothing more. Why does everyone assume that it means that he is _my_ dog?"

"That doesn't matter anymore," Daphne said sternly. "What does matter is getting Eddie back before Mr. Crane discovers he's gone. You know how close those two are."

"Indeed I do," Frasier said. "If Dad finds out that I lost Eddie, he'll never forgive me." 

"Yes, and then I'll be his favorite son," Niles added under his breath.

"Did you say something, Niles?" Frasier asked.

"Nothing," Niles replied in a sing-song voice. 

"Oh, you two. Do act your age for once," Daphne said. "We have bigger problems than your sibling rivalry. Be thankful that there's only the two of you. Imagine being part of my family. All those brothers vying for your parents' attention. You being the only girl-"

"Now, now, Daphne. We're not all that bad," Niles said, putting an arm around his beloved. "Isn't that right, dear brother of mine?"

"Completely true," Frasier agreed. "Now, back to the business of Eddie's kidnapping."

"Yes," Daphne said. "Sorry about that. Lost me head there for a second." She gestured to the crumpled sheet of paper in Frasier's hand. "Is that the ransom note you told Niles about on the phone?"

He held it up. "Yes. And, if you read it, you'll see that it is supposedly from that same caller from last week. He's claiming that I told him to have the dog put to sleep and that his girlfriend left him because of it. Apparently, the dog only had a stomach virus and he never bothered to ask his girlfriend what was actually wrong with the dog. So, he wants to make me suffer by taking away my dog. Of course, it would have been much more effective if I actually _had_ a dog."

Daphne took the note and read it over. "I've never seen such a ridiculous demand in all my days," she exclaimed after looking at it. "And you only have three days to get the money before he has Eddie put to sleep?"

"It's all right there in purple ink," Frasier confirmed.

"Not only is this man a fiend," Niles added, "but he has no sense of style!"

"So, what are you going to do?" Daphne asked. "You know you can't give the man the money. It will only encourage him to kidnap more dogs!"

"Are you so sure you don't want to go to the police with this?" Niles asked his brother again.

During the initial phone call, Frasier had turned down this suggestion immediately, saying that their father would never let him live this down, especially if anything happened to Eddie. Better to get him back himself, without any outside interference.

"I'm positive," Frasier told him. "We all know what life would be like for me from this day forth. Dad will rub it in constantly that I let _my_ dog be taken, especially after announcing how much I _loved_ him on my show. Nothing is worth that kind of hell!"

"More importantly: what are we going to tell Dad about Eddie?" Niles wanted to know. He was helping himself to glass of wine as he spoke.

"I have an idea," Frasier reassured him. "One that's completely fool-proof!"

((((()))))) 

Niles was sipping what had to be his tenth glass of sherry when the sound of keys being slid into a lock was heard.

"Dad's here," Frasier announced. "Everyone remember the story."

Niles slurred something that sounded like "Got it".

"And, for god's sake, Niles, stop drinking!"

Daphne deftly pulled the glass out of Niles' hand and said "I've got it covered."

Niles was too intoxicated to complain.

The door opened and Martin walked in with a big grin on his face. "Hi, boys. Daphne." He started to take off his coat and whistled. "Here, Eddie. Come here, boy!"

"Uh, Dad," Frasier said nervously. "About Eddie. Um, he's, he's, well... Gosh, he's not here right now." 

"What do you mean he's not here?" Martin questioned his son. "Where else could he be? Lost in the park or something?"

Frasier and Daphne laughed uneasily while Niles began to cough uncontrollably.

"Well, um, Dad, Eddie, well, he got into a fight at the park today," Frasier managed to say.

"He did? Well, that's just great!" Martin beamed. "I knew your frou-frou ways weren't rubbing off on him!" He caught himself. "Not that there's anything wrong with that, Son."

"Yes, yes, I know what you think of my cultural refinement," Frasier waved it off. "As I was trying to say, Eddie isn't here because he was exceedingly injured in the fight. He's in the intensive care unit at the veterinarian's."

"And you aren't there with him?" Martin was incredulous. "The poor little guy must be scared to death being all alone like that. I knew I couldn't count on you to watch him for a couple of hours!"

Before Frasier could respond, Daphne stood up and pulled Niles with her. "Niles had a wee bit too much to drink. I think it would be best if I took him home meself. Seeing as he's in no condition to drive."

Niles muttered something incoherently.

"All right. I'll see you two tomorrow," Martin said casually. He turned his attention back to Frasier. "You, I'm not done with."

Frasier gulped at his father's tone of voice.

"Come on, love," Daphne said to Niles as she hauled him towards the door. Before they got there, a knock sounded.

Daphne opened the door to see Roz, with Alice in her arms, standing at the door.

"Hi, Daphne," Roz said. "Just thought we'd drop by and say hello."

"Niles and I were just leaving," Daphne told her. "I suggest you do the same," she added in a whisper.

"Oh, hi there, Roz," Martin greeted her before she could respond to Daphne's warning.

"Hey, Martin. Frasier," she said. She turned to Daphne who was dragging Niles out the door. "What's going on?" 

"You'll find out rather quickly," Daphne promised.

"Roz, what perfect timing," Frasier called out. "At least I know you won't _desert_ me in my hour of need."

The only answer to that was the sound of a slamming door.

"Okay, what did I walk into the middle of?"

"Let me put it into words only us true dog lovers would understand," Martin said. "Roz, would you ever leave Ariel alone in the cold and lonely vet's office more than overnight?"

"Is this a trick question?" Roz asked.

"Dad, if you would _please_ just let me finish," Frasier put in. "The reason that I am not still at poor Eddie's side is that the vet himself said it would be best to leave him alone for four days. He won't be in any condition to be seen until then."

"Why four days?" Roz wanted to know.

" _Because_ ," Frasier said, "he said so. And as you all very well know, doctors know best. So, Eddie must be in his care for four days without visitors."

"Well, I'll just see about that," Martin declared. "And, as I very well know, some doctors are lying quacks!"

"No, wait!" Frasier said, a bit too sharply in his own ears. "The, um, vet is...not at the office at this hour."

"So, I'll track him down at home," Martin told him. "I didn't spend all those years on the force and not pick up some tricks."

"Oh, let him do it, Frasier," Roz said. "We all know he loves that dog more than you anyway."

"No, he can't," Frasier told her. He pulled her closer and whispered in her ear.

Roz's eyes went wide at what Frasier said and she practically dropped Alice. "You're kidding!"

"I am not," Frasier told her indignantly. 

Roz put Alice down and took her by the hand. "Alice, honey, let's go and get you something to eat in the kitchen. I think we're going to be here a while."

**_Dog Day Afternoon_ **

"Who's up for a fun day of shopping?" Niles asked Martin and Daphne as they all prepared to go out for the day.

"Well, as long as we don't spend any time in one of those antique shops," Martin said.

"But, Dad!" Niles complained. "That's always the highlight at the end of a long day of shopping!"

"You just know how to make my day, don't you, Son?" Martin commented sarcastically.

"You two will just have to compromise," Daphne suggested. "Besides, there are some places I want to go that I know neither of you will be happy with."

"Not that British specialty shop again," Niles moaned.

"Hey, it's only fair," Martin smirked.

"Have a good time," Frasier called from his bedroom. 

"Sorry that you aren't well enough to come with us," Martin said.

"As am I," Frasier told him. "But I seem to have caught a nasty little bug. I don't think I can get out of bed."

"You sure you'll be fine here?" Martin asked.

"Positive."

"All right then," Niles piped up. "First stop: Jean Pierre's adorable boutique."

"Ah, jeez," was all Martin could say as they left the apartment.

As soon as the coast was clear, a fully-dressed Frasier raced out of his bedroom, dialing on his cell phone.

"Roz, I'm on my way."

((((()))))) 

Twenty minutes later, Roz parked her car a block away from the rendez-vous location that had been specified in the ransom note.

"I still think this is a bad idea, Frasier," Roz said. "You should just give him the money and get Eddie back."

"Nonsense," Frasier told her. "If he really just wanted the money, he would have taken someone much more dear to me than Eddie. This dognapping is clearly a cry for help."

"You seem to be forgetting that your 'help' is what got you into this mess in the first place. This creep really _does_ think Eddie is important to you. You said just as much to him."

"For the last time, I never said he was my dog!" Frasier nearly shouted.

"Hey, there's no need to get angry. I'm just telling you what I heard. Remember, I'm your producer and I witness all your calls first hand," Roz explained. "Besides, you're scaring Alice."

Both adults turned to look at the little girl strapped into her car seat, who was smiling happily, oblivious to the woes of the grownups.

"Yes, she looks positively terrified of me," Frasier commented. 

Roz swatted him on the arm. "All right. Let's get this over with."

"Thank you," said Frasier. "Now, remember, keep out of sight unless it comes down to giving him the money. But, I don't think it will."

"Personally, I think you're going to get your butt kicked, but that's my opinion."

"Thank you for your optimism."

"Any time."

((((()))))) 

Frasier, Roz, and Alice, who was being carried by her mother, walked up the outside of the building where they knew Brian was waiting with, hopefully, Eddie.

"Good luck, Frasier," Roz said. "If you don't make it back, I want you to know you were the best boss I've ever had."

"Don't worry. I'll be back with the dog in no time," Frasier assured her.

"I'll be listening for the phone," Roz said, patting the pocket that held her cell phone.

"I doubt I will need to use it," Frasier confidently said.

"If you say so," she said as he pushed open the doors of the apartment building.

((((()))))) 

Frasier found himself in a dilapidated old hallway. Looking around, he noticed a block of mailboxes on the wall immediately to the right of the main entrance. There were maybe about five apartments on the ground floor. Directly ahead of him was a stairway.

He pulled the ransom note out of his coat pocket and checked the given address. The apartment he was to go to was on the third floor, which was the highest in the building.

"Ah, the penthouse," Frasier murmured sarcastically.

He climbed the stairs only to find a man waiting for him at the top landing.

"Good morning, Dr. Crane. Glad you could make it."

"Brian, I presume?" Frasier asked although he already knew the answer.

He nodded. "Are you ready to make amends in order to get your mutt back?"

"You know, about Eddie being mine..."

((((()))))) 

"Oh, how I wish I could be eating what you are," Daphne said dreamily as she munched on her healthful meal.

Niles put down his sandwich. "Now, now, my love. We don't want you to lose your perfect figure again. Remember how getting back in shape kept us apart for so long."

She smiled sweetly at him. "Oh, you. You know how to make a woman feel good about herself."

"Not just any woman," he corrected. "Just my beautiful Daphne."

"Oh, Niles!"

"Oh, please!" Martin interrupted. "You two are making me lose my appetite."

"Sorry, Dad," Niles apologized. "Surely you must remember what it was like to be young and in love."

"Yep," Martin said, "but you're only one of those two things."

"There's no need to be cruel," Niles chastised as he glanced at his wristwatch.

"There you go again," Martin pointed out. "This must the be hundredth time you've checked that thing today. Is spending time with your old man that boring?"

"No, no," Niles told him. "It has nothing to do with being with you."

"That's right," Daphne soothed. "He's just...worried about Frasier."

"I am... That's right! I am," Niles quickly corrected himself as Daphne stepped on his foot. "You know how close the two of us are."

"Believe me, I do," Martin said. "I know it's healthy for brothers to want to spend time together and do things. But, not the way you two are."

"And what is wrong with wanting to take in a opera or two with my brother on a regular basis?"

"I rest my case," Martin muttered.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, Niles is spending less time with Frasier and more with me," Daphne offered helpfully.

"It would if you didn't happen to spend most of it around Frasier," Martin told her. "Well, if you're so worried about your brother, why don't you give him a call? I'm sure he'll be happy to hear from you."

Niles and Daphne glanced at each other nervously. 

"Um, that's okay, Dad. I'm sure he's fine," Niles waved off the suggestion.

"It's probably not wise to disturb Dr. Crane when he's not feeling well," Daphne added. "You know how cranky he can be."

Martin scratched his head. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you two were hiding something from me."

Niles and Daphne both laughed nervously.

"Don't be silly, Mr. Crane," she said. "We have no secrets from you."

"That's right," Niles agreed. "Why on earth would we be doing something silly like that?"

"Gee, I don't know. Maybe to cover for Frasier?"

Niles was perspiring furiously. "For Frasier? Please! He's a big boy. He can take care of his own mistakes, just like he's doing now."

Martin cocked an eyebrow. "'Doing now'?"

Niles quickly looked away and gasped excitedly. "Would you look at that? Nancy's is having a two-for-one sale!"

"Niles," Martin warned his son.

"What? So I get excited about sales. So, what?"

"Spill it. What has your brother done this time?"

"No-no-nothing," Niles stammered. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Martin grinned evilly. "I see you're not going to do this the easy way. I know a few tricks from the old days that will have you singing like a canary."

Niles sat up straight in his chair and whimpered at his father's threat.

"Oh, all right, old man. I'll tell you everything we know," Daphne finally said.

"Daphne! How could you?" Niles cried.

"Be quiet, you big baby. I'll handle this."

"Let's hear what the infamous Frasier Crane has gotten himself into this time."

((((()))))) 

"And that's when Isabelle left me," Brian said, sobbing furiously. He was sitting on his couch, his head buried into Frasier's shoulder.

"I think I'm starting to see a pattern in all of your relationships," Frasier told him. He glanced across the room at Eddie, who was curled up tight in a little ball, no doubt dreaming about his next meal.

The dog had been treated very well by his kidnapper, who seemed to like him very much. Frasier had the feeling that, if things went sour, Brian would keep Eddie rather than have him put down.

"Tell me, Dr. Crane. Where do I go wrong?" Brian practically begged.

"Well," Frasier began, feeling confident that he had his "patient" correctly diagnosed this time. "You seem to need to be the constant center of attention and you try to insure your position-"

"Open up! This is the police!" was suddenly heard through the door, accompanied by loud banging.

"Oh, no," Frasier moaned. "I have no doubt that Niles is responsible for this."

Eddie, awakened by the commotion, ran over to the door and started barking.

Martin's voice was heard clearly through the dog. "Hold on, boy! We're coming to save you!"

Eddie jumped back just in time as the door swung open and crashed off its frame.

Brian sat still, furiously wiping the tears from his eyes. He turned an accusing glance at Frasier. "You... betrayed me!"

"Certainly not! But, I know very well who did," Frasier told him.

A group of police officers stepped through the shattered doorframe, followed closely by Martin. Niles and Daphne were right behind him. 

Roz could be seen standing in the hallway with Alice in her arms, the briefcase with the money forgotten. She was talking with an extremely handsome police officer who was taking notes of her testimony.

Eddie, seeing his beloved human standing in the apartment, ran over happily to greet him. Martin scooped him up and held him in his arms like a baby. He even began, much to Frasier's disbelief, to kiss him!

A female cop stepped forward to grab Brian. As she cuffed him, she began to read him his Miranda rights.

Frasier, terribly put out that his brilliant plan had been ruined by his brother's incompetence, decided to say something. "Wait! You can't arrest this man. He's done nothing wrong"

"Excuse me?" Martin asked, disbelief clearly in his voice. "He's done plenty wrong! He kidnapped my dog!"

Upon hearing Martin's admission that Eddie was his dog, Brian's face began to twitch.

"It was all a big misunderstanding," Frasier declared. "He never intended to hurt Eddie. All he was doing was asking for my help in the only way he knew how."

"By taking _my_ dog?" Martin was incredulous.

"I'll admit it wasn't a very well thought out cry for help," Frasier began, "but, nonetheless, it was. Brian here needs my expertise to straighten himself out."

"Not...your...dog..." Brian could be heard muttering. He was starting to struggle against his bonds.

A male cop joined the female in trying to keep him still.

"This would have never happened if you had done your job right in the first place," Martin was saying. "Trying to pass Eddie off as your dog. Please!"

"I did _not_ say Eddie was my dog! Why do people keep on thinking that?"

"Maybe if you stopped thinking that everyone understood every word you say you'd see how you really sound!"

"Oh, and how do I really sound, Dad?"

"Liar!!!!"

The feuding Cranes looked up to see an infuriated and red-faced Brian struggling against the grip of the two cops.

"I beg your pardon," Frasier said indignantly, "but is that any way to treat the doctor who is diagnosing you?"

"You said you had a dog named Eddie. Eddie was supposed to be yours! All my plans for revenge were because Eddie was your dog!" Brian ranted.

Frasier shook his head. "No, I never said Eddie was my dog. All I said was that he lived with me and that I wouldn't want anything to happen to him. But, that really doesn't matter, because you began to get what you really wanted. My help."

"No, I didn't. The help was your idea, Doc. All I wanted was the money for the mental stress your advice caused me."

"How could suggesting that you have a talk with your girlfriend cause you stress? It was my impression that your premature decision to help her by putting her dog down was what caused your stress. Which, by the way, is your problem. You make-"

"Oh, shut up!" Brian screeched. "I was right. You _don't_ listen very well at all. I'm sorry I even called your stupid show!"

He continued to spout off, introducing Frasier and company to some of the most colorful vulgarities they had ever heard, as the police officers dragged him out of the apartment.

"Well," Frasier commented after Brian was gone, "talk about an ungrateful patient!" 

Martin, Niles, and Daphne came over to him. Eddie was still being clutched in Martin's arms.

Frasier shook his head as he wistfully mused, "There goes my perfect plan. It was going so well. I almost had his problem nailed."

"I'm sorry, Frasier," Niles said. "Dad was just too curious for his own good. It's the detective still in him."

"Yes, and it was the scared little boy in you that let the information slip," Daphne reminded him.

Frasier waved them off. "Well, no use crying over spilt milk. Dad has Eddie back safe and sound. It's all over."

"Not for you it isn't," Martin insured his son.

Frasier's jaw dropped as he saw the look in his father's eyes.

((((()))))) 

"Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. Before I start today's show, there is a misconception that I need to clear up.

"About a week ago, I made a statement in my advice to a caller that seems to have been misunderstood by many listeners. You may in fact remember Brian and his dilemma involving his girlfriend's dog. In my attempt to create an analogy, I inadvertently made the suggestion that my father's dog, Eddie, belonged to me. That was never my intention. Eddie may live in my apartment, but he is the best friend and companion of my father. I would never dream of encroaching on their close relationship.

"Now, with that business taken care of, it is time for me to take my first caller. Roz, who do we have..." 

As he continued speaking, Frasier looked up to see his father giving him the thumbs up through the glass window. 

**_The End_ **  



End file.
